A dose of grace

If you really knew me, you'd know that words are so important to me. My primary love language (found in the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) is words of affirmation. If you want me to know just how much you love/appreciate/admire/respect etc. me, just TELL me.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about grace. Being a new, first time mom, I've received quite a bit of advice & suggestions. All too often my response is defensive, as if I'm coming under personal attack by someone sharing their experience or thoughts. Poor, well meaning family, friends & strangers too often receive a snarky reply much to my embarrassment.

The truth is, I'm insecure. After spending 24 hours a day with my sweet baby girl, I like to think I know her pretty well. When I receive unsolicited advice, unfortunately I take it as judgement on how I parent & I respond with claws bared. Really what I need is a healthy dose of grace & to extend it to those around me.

I'm wondering if that's the problem with social media these days. I feel as though my news feeds are often full of articles justifying opinions, followed by comments for & against said articles. Grace is absent as conversations appear to become very "us against them." What happened to agreeing to disagree?

I tend to be an idealist & as such a definite optimist. Ages ago I made a choice to use social media for positive posts only. I'm sure there have been a moment or two that I've shared frustration or have pushed my opinion, although this is something I try hard to avoid.

On top of this position of optimism, I'm choosing to take a position of grace (although I need some practice). Rather than responding defensively, I will take a deep breath, smile & say thank you. AND, I will (attempt) to keep my unsolicited advice to myself. When someone disagrees with me, I will choose at times to agree to disagree, realizing that not every hill is one to die on.

Yes, realizing that I need grace, I choose to show grace.

Three goodbyes.

(I had unrealistic intentions of writing once a week after my last blog. I've since conceded to writing at least once a month. So far I'm right on track...barely.)

Today I'm so thankful that we have taken pictures of our baby girl with all of her great grandparents. In October my paternal grandfather passed away after a stroke. In November my maternal grandmother also passed away after a stoke, leaving me with no grandparents in the space of just over a month. Earlier in January Matt's paternal grandmother passed away peacefully, leaving us with no grandparents. Three significant goodbyes in four months.

It's been bittersweet. They all lived long, full lives. I'd like to believe they could each look back & see the great impact they had on their children & grand children's lives; knowing that in their own ways they've helped shape Matt & I into the people we are today.

I was never particularly close with my paternal grandfather, although there's no doubt in my mind that he cared for his family. Having adopted two children, he had a huge part in completely altering lives. I've heard how proud he was of all of his grandchildren & upon hearing the name of his first great granddaughter he responded, "that's a good, strong name," something she will no doubt live up to in her lifetime. Although he didn't meet our baby girl until after his stroke, the look in his eyes upon seeing her showed nothing but admiration. That look is what I believe he had upon seeing everyone in his family.

My grandma had a huge impact on my life & there are remnants of her all throughout my house in the form if quilts, afghans, ceramics, dish cloths, china & a cross stitch. I also believe there are remnants of her in my own character. My grandma taught me unconditional love in a fierce way. She had an incredible sense of humour & loved to laugh. She loved her family & believed in each of us, giving us the confidence to try & achieve anything we wanted. I'm without a doubt my grandmothers daughter in that I'm all about accessories & enjoy shopping & I like to believe that has already been passed on to my 5 month old daughter. My last memories of her are watching her enjoy my sweet baby. She was so in love with her great grandchildren & I'm overwhelmed thinking about the special, though brief, bond she made with my girl.

Matt's grandma probably never really knew who I was. Unfortunately about the time I came into the family she had developed Alzheimer's.  Even though she never remembered me, I will always remember her. Like my grandma, there are remnants of her throughout our home in the form if Japanese dishes, knickknacks & a prized cross stitch. Matt's grandma was incredibly resilient; her life story is laced with overcoming obstacles. She was an generous host & probably the single most strongest female I have ever met. In the few years she was in my life I learned more than my fair share from her.

I've been reminded yet again how precious life is as I watch the life of my sweet girl while she grows & develops & reflect on how things came full circle with our grandparents as they became dependant on others for care once again. With a sweet babe who is five months old, I realize that time slips by far too quickly. With no great grandparents for my girl to spend time with as she grows, I know that stories & life lessons are now up to us to share.

There may be three lives recently lost, but more importantly there are three legacies still to live on.

It's December already!?!

My sweet baby girl is napping, I'm sipping on my gingerbread latter (decaf, half sweet, soy, with no whip, of course), the fireplace is going & all the thoughts rolling around in my head have finally screamed loud enough that I'm jotting them down.

This past year has flown by. It was just one year ago that we made the move to our new home near Calgary (Chestermere if you want to get technical), Alberta. So much has happened since then! My other half was on the road quite a bit for work, while I set up our house before Christmas.We found out we were expecting our first baby just before celebrating Christmas with my beloved inlaws. I took a contract position in the Alberta Cancer Foundation Event Office for a few months in the spring. We bought & sold a few vehicles, trailers, boats. I had the opportunity to speak a handful of times. We took some holidays. Before we knew it August arrived with the birth of our firstborn. Since then we've found our groove as a family of three. A few short trips have been made. We've had a babysitter. We've introduced our sweet girl to some nearest & dearest, including her three great grandparents, two of which passed away shortly after meeting her.

This past year has turned out to be an exceptional one, not without its own trials & triumphs. As I've been enjoying everyday with my baby girl the nagging desire to write just won't go away. "Write a book" has forever been on my bucket list. What that looks like, I have yet to know.

Motherhood is the greatest thing I've ever done. The smiles, coos, giggles & cuddles make me feel like the most important person on the planet. Milestones are being met & at nearly four months it's impossible to imagine my life without the beautiful soul I get to call daughter.

Our house is decorated for Christmas, though I must admit its a modified version. My meters upon meters of garland are still tucked away this year. It was as if December totally snuck up on us& before we knew it our annual decorating day had passed & our bins full of winters decor were still being stored. In fact, I must admit, we toyed with the idea of not decorating at all this year, considering our families are out of town. I'm happy we changed our minds though, even if it took me three evenings to make it happen.

I'm excited for my baby girl's first Christmas season! I realize the chances of her remembering much are slim, but I can't help but be overjoyed by the season of wonder she currently finds herself in. She could careless about the decorations, the beautiful sparkly tree or any presents, but this, this is when lifelong memories & deep traditions are birthed. For the first time ever Christmas will be hosted in my home, rather then my parents or inlaws & for that I'm ecstatic! What will Christmas look like under my roof? A gorgeous mix of Dempsey & Furukawa traditions, mixed with a few new rituals which will become familiar & comfortable for our family of three & any guests who join us in glorious celebration.

This advent season I've been preparing myself by working through "She Reads Truth: Emmanuel." I love my times of solitude (which sometimes include holding a sleeping baby). Although this time of year is often described as busy & stressful, I'm experiencing something so sacred in the preparation. In the past I've found myself helping a congregation prepare for this blessed season & have overlooked doing an adequate job of preparing myself. I'm feeling so refreshed as opposed to worn out as December 25 draws near; my soul cries out, "oh come Emmanuel."

Yes, oh come Emmanuel.

What Now?

Life seems to be just passing me by lately. Hours turn to day, which turn to weeks, which turn to months. Finding myself a week into March I can help but question, "how in the world did I end up here?"

Never before in my life have I had such feelings of uselessness. My resignation the end of September, 2012, brought a welcome break. For the first time in my life, this planner has had absolutely no plans.  Never did I anticipate I'd be unemployed for so long & yet here I am. My whole life I've known what my next step is & now I'm stuck wondering "I'm here, now what?"

Last week I had the privilege of speaking at the Christian Camping International (CCI) Retreat for Alberta in Gull Lake, AB. My mom & I did some tag-teaming in a couple of workshops & I have to say that together we work quite well. It was so refreshing to do something that I feel competent at. I love preparing & delivering messages. Public speaking has always been something that I've felt totally comfortable & dare I say, called to do. Being surrounded by camp people renewed my excitement for this summer as I'll be spending two weeks doing on of my favourite things, camp ministry. In April once again I'll get to do some tag-teaming with my mom at a women's retreat. In the midst of this wilderness of wondering what's next I love experiencing moments of refreshing, doing what I love.

I'm ready to start a new career chapter, although it could potentially be short lived. If nothing else then for the sake of my sanity I need something meaningful to do, even if it looks like making coffees or stocking shelves, or perhaps something will come of the networking done at the CCI Retreat.

As I wait & trust my greatest planning to the ultimate Planner, it's hard to imagine what's next. With the bump now forming around my tummy I'm continually reminded that regardless of what I end up doing, come August, "mother" will be added to my list of job titles.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Yikes, it's been far too long since I've found myself with a blank page before myself with the opportunity to create & communicate. I have to admit, although I took a very welcome break, it's good to be back. Not only am I back to writing & blogging, but coming up in four weeks I'll be speaking again too!

This autumn/fall has proven to be full of change & in turn exhausting. The beginning of November the conditions were lifted on our offer to purchase a new home in a new community. The two weeks that followed the whirlwind began as I packed every earthly possessions we own & cleaned our first home for a new family to inhabit. This time of transition was incredibly emotional as I essentially prepared for our move on my own.

Three trailers, three Jeep's, two sets of parents & a few amazing strong hands later we were moved into our new home. It was time to settle & begin a normal life together again. Unpacking is much more fun then packing! I found that I made sacrifices in our new home as I found places for all of our possessions & yet in other areas I seemed to have room to spare. All in all, our home was starting to feel just like that, home.

Before I knew it the first of December had rolled around & it was time to prepare for Christmas. Decorations, parties, dinners, friends, family & gifts were in abundance! Oh & I was coughing & had congested sinus'.

New Years came & went with family & treasured life long friends & my cold got worse. Which brings me to today, it's nearly the end of January & I can finally say I'm feeling better...for the most part.

As always, God has been so incredibly faithful to Matt & I. We're now totally settled in a beautiful home, located in a lovely neighbourhood. We've met our new neighbours, all of which are friendly & kind. I've had the opportunity to give my body the rest it's needed as I've fought this awful virus. We've had family & friends to visit us in our new home. After spending three months apart this autumn, we've had plenty of time together to laugh, dream & cry.

Life is exceptionally beautiful & although I currently find myself in a new place, with no job, no friends (although I do have plenty of family around) & no real plan, I'm incredibly content.

With all my excuses out of the way I can say, I'm back! Time to write, dream & create.

Lesson #1

I'm currently finding myself in the midst of a crazy transition. Life as I knew it is not what I'm currently experiencing; what I'm currently experiencing is not the life I will soon be living. In the midst of this transition I've been quite reflective of the past few years of my life & have realized that I've learned some valuable life lessons along the way.

Lesson #1:
Remember, life is full of seasons & this too shall pass.

With the turning of the leaves & cooling temperatures, I can't help but find this particular valuable life lesson that much more relevant.

Life brings all sorts of twists & turns with it, some expected & some very unexpected. For some reason it never ceases to amaze me that when I keep my current situations in perspective I tend to learn & grow more. Through some of the difficult moments I've found myself in, it's been incredibly comforting to keep in mind the cliche "hindsight is 20/20." In retrospect it feels as if each season has been full of its own defining moments & I've discovered more about myself & who I've been created to be as I've had to navigate through each circumstance.

From everything like planning a wedding, to building a house, from walking through a church split, to making a career shift, my husband & I have experienced a variety of different seasons & emotions to go along with them. Nearly every season seems to last forever when stuck in the middle of it. Tears have been shed, multiple prayers uttered, sleepless nights too numerous to count have passed & yet, there has been peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding has been mine through every situation I've found myself in.

Some may say this comes from some deep, inner peace. Perhaps. Although I give the credit of this peace to the fact that I know the One who creates the seasons & changes them. The deep truth is that instead of worrying, there's one thing to do - pray; tell God what you need, & thank Him for all He has done. As a result of this action, peace that is so big to guard our hearts & minds comes.

In the midst of the current chaos I'm in, I'm finding peace once again.  Normally at times like this I'd be totally stressed & freaking out. It's no small miracle that I'm currently feeling just fine with the uncertainty & chaos. There's no doubt in my mind that this stems from peace that surpasses all understanding; unexplainable peace that comes from presenting all my requests to the only one who knows all.

Thankfully seasons have a beginning & an end. Six weeks into this season, I have to admit I'm looking forward to the end. In the meantime, I'm surviving because of peace that is far bigger then the current chaos & in knowing that one day I'll look back on this & recognize defining moments.

90 birthday candles

My amazing maternal grandmother turned 90 today. My mom's sisters decided to throw her a come & go tea, aka birthday party, this past weekend. Those of us who are blessed enough to be in the same family as her know her resilience & love first hand, as a result it was no surprise to see the many guests attend her party & honour her on this admirable milestone.

If you've ever met my grandma, you know what a shock it is to think that she's 90 years old; not only is she in remarkable physical condition, she has maintained a sharp mind & quick wit. I'm thankful for the influence she's had in my life over the years & for the incredible genetics that she's passed onto her daughters & grandchildren.

My grandma is someone I respect more then I can clearly articulate. She's been a constant source of support as I've travelled the a couple of contents, started a career, gotten married & experienced all sorts of twists & turns. She's someone who displaces unconditional love unlike anyone I've ever met.

In honour of my incredible grandma I wrote the following to share at her party:

Grandma, for 26 of your 90 years I've had the honour & privilege of being your granddaughter; this has brought great responsibility to my life. A responsibility to be a loving, supportive wife. A responsibility to keep my heart & arms open towards my family, as I display unconditional love. A responsibility to be a kind & faithful friend. A responsibility to care for the physical, emotional & spiritual needs if those who enter my home. And finally a responsibility to care for myself, as being in your shape at 90 is something I aspire to. Thank you for being the ultimate role model, it's my great delight to build upon your legacy. I love you.

Among the many blessings in my life that I'm thankful for, my grandma is certainly one of them. It was such a privilege to be able to celebrate this milestone with her. I'm forever grateful to be her granddaughter.